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outlook not so good

Thursday, 29 May, 2008
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For reasons about which I am not yet prepared to go public, every personal inadequacy I suffer has been amplified more so over nearly the last two months than I ever imagined. Essentially, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

This time has proved more difficult for me than can be readily imagined. No, I do not suffer a fatal illness, but even that might prove something akin to relief. Whatever social skills I once had are not of use right now, and the only way I can manage is by being either clinical or faking it for very short periods. Every morning I return from my employment exhausted with the knowledge that despite my alleged intelligence (recently proved to be merely “testing well”) and what I have in lieu of education; what I am doing now is actually the best for which I can hope. Compounded by the confusion and general helplessness of the times, leads your humble narrator to suffer even more than is reasonable. This variation on the future was supposed to remain within the realm of pessimistic fiction. Even before my prognosis I could no longer tend to myself and my life properly. Now, I have little hope of doing so.

I realize this might be easier if I had some sociability. However, this is not the case. Despite nearly thirty years of effort, I now have a kind of permission to assume it shall never be. No amount of willpower or teaching can overcome my inherent inadequacies. Even with the knowledge I now hold, I cannot presume to function in the way people do ever again.

Compounding all of this is a very important and critical person in my life who has, under the pretense of acting normally and for all I know she is, gone out of her way to exacerbate my state of mind. I’ve been here before, and despite whatever sympathy I have garnered (possibly in the absence of sincerity) I do not know how to tend to this matter.

And of course, I’m still in Texas; the East Germany of the Americas. I wait for the wall to fall. I wait for the days in which humanity is more than an improbable, mandatory, simplistic obligation.

In case you have not been paying attention, I never knew what it means to be human. I never became a member of any element of society other than the generically disaffected. I now know specifically why. It hurts when I see people rich in those resources I literally cannot have squander them on baubles.

On the other hand, I am presently an electromagnet for chaotic women too young for me. I’m too old for that game.

I think.

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2 Comments
  1. Jennifer permalink
    Tuesday, 10 June, 2008 21:02

    ” I now have a kind of permission to assume it shall never be. No amount of willpower or teaching can overcome my inherent inadequacies. Even with the knowledge I now hold, I cannot presume to function in the way people do ever again.”

    I don’t buy this. I think you’re taking the easy way out. I do not believe that you cannot learn to be social and learn to enjoy being social in your own way.

    Newsflash- even though I am doing tons better than I ever had and I’m navigating the world much easier that I even thought possible- I’ll NEVER “function in the way people do”- or how many people do. And guess what- I don’t care to. I have no intention of giving up being sassy and salty- even though there are negative consequences (not everyone will like me). Who the fuck cares- I don’t have a goal of having everyone like me or even have everyone be able to tolerate me. It’s a big world. People don’t act in a certain normal way. We’re all freaks in one way or another (or at least those that I’d have an interest in knowing are).

    Whatever your shortcomings, I truly believe that there are things you could learn about being around certain people that would make your interactions meaningful and mutually enjoyable. I’m sure that even if you don’t feel empathy (which, based on your comments to me I believe you DO) you can certainly learn to at least be thoughtful and respectful. This may be a stretch at first but can eventually set up a feedback loop of success that will make the risk worth taking. You just have to choose your friends wisely, which is something we all need to do.

    Fearing something and having anxiety about it is not the same as being unable to do it.

    Like

  2. Rick permalink
    Monday, 4 August, 2008 16:47

    Hey Stan, This is your friend Rick Harrison in Louisville. Can I call you sometime?

    Like

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