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Friday, 9 November, 2007

No. As a matter of fact I am not up to the challenge of complacency. That is almost certainly my primary problem. But I also know of the society in which I find myself. After all these years, I remain an outsider. Not just Texas, but the whole thing. I do not want what I want and want it now. The fact that I can’t work out what I want and wait interminably for Something to happen then not recognizing it … evidently I don’t spend enough time with popular culture. Secrets may be in that place, but I don’t yet think it is worth the effort.

Perhaps this is the flaw. If I were willing to remove my militant stand against avoiding what I cannot tolerate … I am no longer the boy from Pleasure Ridge Park, Kentucky. Neither am I the post-punk punk ass of the eighties, nor the optimistic and inquisitive person I somehow and mysteriously became sometime in the nineties. All for nothing.

I am old, bitter, hard and out of touch with a method of operating I find worthy of contempt. I certainly recognize those ways when I see them. All my old obsessions, save my infatuation with the moving image, are gone. Perhaps I am, in fact, not worthy of love. The way some uncles teach the kids to swim is how I am asked to fly. It never worked before. I think I’ll just sit here and watch the world go by.

“Why don’t you do something?” Comes the question, but to what end? and what to do?

I’ve only successfully traded one box of bemusement for another somewhat more compelling one. This is the lesson of my life. All the analysis, the growth, the pain, confusion and so on add up to merely that. I know that I am of lost and little mind, but were I to act today something not uninteresting could happen.

The problem here is the knowledge to do, but not what. It is like the incessant cry to “go to college” but with no knowlegde of that system and how very alien it is to the world in which I was operating. I hear they fixed that in the last twenty years. You cannot imagine how profoundly difficult it was, even with “Middle Class” friends showing me the way … and as always all for nothing.

Such is this. I am one who embraces an absence of specialness. I know what “self-absorbed” means in the context in which it is being used. That is what drives my only now childish rage. I no longer welcome bureaucracy and group think as a symbol of personal legitimacy. Serving others is to tell them to not stick beans up their nose.

All human activity is ultimately a war of vanities. I go to work, get my pay and wait. That’s all I do. Broken promises and helplessness should be par for the course by now. Somehow it is continuously surprising.


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