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Thursday, 28 December, 2006

Within hours I will resume my life, such as it is. From the perspective of this journal the last 10 days or so don’t seem so different. I have allowed myself to give in to my pagan desires, such as they are. I have not been posting the additional boring content of my embracing the hole I am in as I really have not come away with anything new.

I am one week away from my last cigarette. It should be noted I am way, way over the fifteen pack years* required to induce cancer at some mysterious point in the future. I don’t know for certain, but it feels like I’ve hit 180 lbs. I still check to make sure I have a cigarette lighter in my pocket when I leave the house and get out of the truck. I didn’t know I did that. All I have to do is go vegan for about seven years and find a job I don’t consider shameful (or work out a swindle which would net $450K) and I might just be able to enjoy this allegedly longer life. It’s a good thing I’ve got the 15PY in.

I’ve been waking around 8 AM on my own. After all these years of being an overnight person this was shocking to me. Working “real hours” had always proved difficult for me, but somehow I went right back to a normal schedule. I guess I could do something reasonable if I had to. It appears that I could be significantly more productive if I could …

… become a different person. I keep finding advice which hints I should change my life experience retroactively. I quite honestly don’t know how to do that. Like switching off inconvenient emotions, must be something in the American emotional tool kit which I lack. With my schedule and my modest level of competence, I find myself asking that musical question: What do you really want to do with yourself? I am beginning to appreciate the Texan mindset, as I have grown so contemptuous of the society in which I find myself all I want to do is be left alone. The last thing I want to do is contribute anything positive. I now fully appreciate the “justice system”, banking as it is, the transportation industries, the real estate business such as it is, “health care”; the desire to distribute pain, misery, to con and coerce power from the bland faceless, pointless masses becomes very strong.

Closer to my own class this desire manifests itself in “home invasions” or “carjacking”. Frankly I don’t understand how the typical Texan has trouble with the idea, except as an extension of the inability to absorb sincerity and materialist fixations.

Now I take a long shower in the tub which shall not be cleaned. I am possibly $180 per month richer if I can get over the mints. I’m back to hiding in the apartment because of my shame over what I have become. Sitting here watching through the this window. I told myself I’d at least “go downtown” at least once to see what they know these days. It’s not unlike my youth in which my desire to participate is diminished by my contempt for all conspicuous options. Part of me wants to get rid of everything and …

You see, it’s that last part with which I have trouble

*the number of cigarettes which would be smoked with a twenty-cigarettes-daily habit for fifteen years.


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