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I am losing my shit. Please help me.

Thursday, 31 May, 2012

My no-doubt ill advised nicotine and Vitamin-B regimen or short-term fix for what is probably full-on panic disorder just flat out stopped working as of 20 minutes ago. I can’t spin the wheel in the short term on a “Doctor” or Austin-based Billing Facility as they have never, ever worked before. Even for things as simple as minor infections I’ve made four or more trips in and suffered for weeks on end. After 12-15 calls per week for the last six weeks, I would have settled for someone who simply wasn’t a blatant hustler: “court-ordered only”. “Christian-focused hypnotherapy”, “herbalism and tarot”, “the best of Western medicine based on your own biorhytms and astrological profile”, and countless others covered by my plan, including those not on their formally distributed list who focus on specific religous communities. I can’t machete my way through the system and have neither the skills, patience or social ability to navigate Kafka’s Labyrinth.

I have reached out and recieved two specific recommendations neither of whom take my insurance.

To be direct, with my absolute expenses having gone up 25% over the last 18 months, with an additional middle-three-digit number coming out of the kitty with hopes of getting out of the hole I’ve dug, and a 20% reduction in my work hours at the same hourly rate since 2009, going to a facility that does not process claims from my largely unused health plan is not fiscally practicable.

Yes, if a could get away from the forms of nicotime I use I could afford half a Doc in cash. Noted. Since I am not a nice, callous middle-class fellow who merely happens to have a physical addiction literally nothing is available.for me. When I approach someone about my real issue and ask “How do I cope with the panic, including the inability to operate items such as doors and toilets, and suicidal levels of anxiety during the twelve weeks while my system restores itself?” They reply that I don’t know what I’m talking about. By which they mean they have never attended a class or seminar where such things were addressed.

Fourteen years ago, I went in and was simply served what Pharna was pushing that quarter without regard to my symptoms or reaction. Paxil literally removed my emotional life, driving me to suicidal ideation simply because life ceased to have an objective in the absence of aspiration, joy or fear. Once I returned home and stood in the living room for four hours. I don’t remember taking off my jacket but suspect I did so during the third hour. At this point I would settle for that sort of treatment.

I cannot begin to rebuid what I have burned without competent assistance which is not forthcoming. Hell. I’d pack it in and go back to the farm, but we don’t really do that anymore and the farm was foreclosed upon in the eighties.

I can think of three people on this list who, will with all kindness intended, shall recommend that I just smoke some pot. With my existing level of social ability, I literally do not know how to locate any even in of all places Austin Texas. I am also mildly to severly allergic depending upon some factor I do not understand. This aspect made living in Austin during my late twenties an absolute joy.

Please help me. This means you. I’m serious. I have got to do something, even short tem, and can not work out what that might be. The only option I have seen is a well-meaning person has advised that I just go to the ARC (all-purpose, mass-intake clinic not on the poor side of town) I don’t even know what to tell them.

Ideally, I need to figure out what to do while I remain emotionally able to operate an automobile.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Thursday, 31 May, 2012 10:06

    If panic is your problem, pot may not be the best idea.

    My sister is currently in a similar boat with the anxiety (plus obesity, smoking, and alcoholism). I don’t know how to fix any of it, other than to say you do need to keep trying different things (that you can afford) until something works for you.

    You have to commit to the process, and the process is going to take more time than you think you have right now. I know: you have already committed to the process, and you’ve been spinning for years. Well, those options are no good. You’ve eliminated them. Keep trying.

    We have a kid on the way & I spent most of last year unemployed, so I can’t offer any financial assistance. Sorry.

    I can only tell you to keep trying, even if it seems hard. Yes, some people have it better than you. Most people in the world don’t (historically speaking, your options are amazing despite their seeming limitations). It is cold comfort, but it is the truth.

    • Thursday, 31 May, 2012 11:31

      Item One: I am not seeking financial assistance from anyone. If I absolutely have to I have $[redacted but 5x my total debt] of credit waiting on me which I couldn’t imagine I could pay off within my life time, saving writing the great American novel or something else which isn’t going to happen.

      I know that I’m not committed to the process because I don’t even know where to start, aside from getting through the day or looking up this year’s fashionable herbal supplements. I do know that my life long and learned fixation on eating, smoking and now-abandoned occasional fifth of whisky is all about nothing more than coping with whatever is going on in my head.

      The farmer in rural Mongolia, or wherever, hasn’t been gimmicked to death like we have. I’m trying to confront who I am and where I fit within the only society I have known. I also embrace that everything I perceive as a problem is a function of my social, mental or intellectual incapacity. I am the embodiment of what happens in America when you fall away of the 48-52 percentile we were “educated” about.

      In December 2010 I set fire to my life to keep someone warm. Sometimes I wish the fire had been more successful.

  2. Thursday, 31 May, 2012 19:55

    Well… I don’t know that I’m competent to assist. But I seem to be the only comment… I guess I’m not creative enough to understand why you need help. I assume it is your biology, but maybe it is just bad habits? I don’t know. I can’t tell if you are complaining about yourself or the culture or both?

    If the problem is your biology, then commit to the process of solving your problems. I understand modern medicine may not be where you need it to be, but I’m betting it is more effective than any spiritual alternatives.

    If the problem is the culture: get the fuck over it, already. What do gimmicks have to do with your happiness? You’re old enough that you should be able to shrug it off & disengage at this point. We’re just animals doing dumb tribal crap & following in the footsteps of our ancestors. We’re not evolving fast enough that anything will change in your lifetime.

    Just do what you want in your own way & take what you want from it. Focus! If you don’t know what you want… Why the fuck not? What do you think about all day? The culture?

    You don’t seem to like Austin much, anymore. Move elsewhere & start over again. Moving has worked out well for me (with one notable exception), so that might be my recommendation. I guess it depends on whether the problem is you or your surroundings. I’m still not sure.

  3. Laughinghyena13 permalink
    Saturday, 2 June, 2012 16:45

    Sorry if this isn’t helping, but I feel compelled to summarize:

    1. You fucked up. You thought you had the strength/power to spend saving someone else. You were wrong.

    2. So what? You can’t undo it.

    3. You have to develop the will to win NOW, this time. You need the strength to fix yourself. You don’t have to keep making the same mistake in your head. Fix this issue. Fix yourself. You need to get strong enough to make new mistakes.

    4. You will make new mistakes. That’s life, and we all know it is unfair & hard. You can do everything right and you can still fail. All trying to make the right moves does is make you less likely to fail quite so hard.

    Good luck.

    • Saturday, 2 June, 2012 17:37

      I’ve spent most of the last 36 hours deliberately distracting myself. It’s helped that two pixel pals had momentous occasions in their lives about which they share.

      What I’ve realized over the decades is that biology, brain chemistry, leads to the phenomenon of “self-medication”. I am obviously not immune to this. We last hold outs to America’s favorite recreational narcotic are almost certainly self-medicating even if this thing you’ve done since a tender age has been so incorporated into your life and patterns of living it is presumed to merely be part of your personality.

      Like that day in my twenties when I realized some of the people I’ve known for ages are in fact addicts of one kind or another and not just wacky. I remain envious of those who recovered and actually appeared to have no underlying problem. Despite my disdain for religious communities embracing and promoting this method to their own ends, the (more-or-less) adult Stan has an abiding respect for the 12-step process. It contends with both the superficial problem, the physical addiction, but provides a follow up to address the actual underlying malaise, and is available to those who for whatever reasons cannot access formal care.

      None of the above addresses just what is it I am going to do once I’ve abandoned my quest through Kafka’s Labyrinth.

      I know my “triggers” and also that that mechanism is not always relevant. Shit just happens. I occasionally wake up sweating, gasping with the kind of feeling not unlike waking in a room full of tigers. About here I would complain about the chaos of my upbringing and the pointlessness of modern living but you’ve heard it all before. Probably from me.

      Only about 90 minutes into my quest I discovered a list of common dietary supplements actually proved in clinical trials to accomplish something akin to my objective, including established dosage recommendations and synergistic effects. After paring down the list through what little interaction information I could discover, off I went to the hippy-dippy grocer and spent about a weeks worth of cancer-stick money on a month’s supply of capsules. We’ll see how it goes.

      Since then I’ve been sleeping most of the time.

      “You need to get strong enough to make new mistakes.” This is the core statement I probably would have spent paragraphs communicating. I am on a path again. Not certain if it is The Path of legend, but I’m sticking with it for a while. At least I’m catching up on some sleep.

      None of this is being helped by the fact the AC went out this week and the man isn’t coming until next week.

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